sceret diray

Always trying consitly failing in my head


Long Time LiveJournal.....
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missfuckedupemo
So I just remebered I had this account... I honestly don't remeber the last time I was on here and I feel like everytime I relaspe I find myself back here, which I'm not sure is a good thing or bad. So here I am back on this site, drink wine and smoking so much that its physically making me feel sick... and it seems like my self loathing and hatred for my body just has not changed.  

New years Eve
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missfuckedupemo

Seeing as today/night is the start of a new year I'm making my mind up ! This will my year ! I'm grabbing this year and making it mine I will become perfect and I will be thin ! I tried to get 'Better' it wasn't for me just yet so everyone ! Wish me luck and a happy new years to you all <3

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God
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missfuckedupemo

Jesus getting the hang of this new phone is a nightmare I just posted a blank message :/ makes no sense lol.. Anyway my plan for the rest of this month is to lose ten pounds, I know I am meant to be in recovery but I just think i can cope with that right now after recent events that have happened in my life. So tomorrow marks the day of my seven day fast of juice :) that of course being orange and apple juice no fizzy sodas this week and then when Christmas comes around I won't have to worry because I don't eat round that time anyway so hopefully for the new year I will be a dress size same and about 15 pounds maybe light going by a pound a day or every two days :)

Hope everyone is well
Stay strong and think thin
Xxxx <3

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Everything is looking up I think..
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missfuckedupemo

Okay so I am meant to be in recovery and it's not going all that well I mean I have managed to stick to strict diets I made before starting to getting to get better even when I wasn't able to when I made them which is somewhat crazy :/ and yesterday was a very bad day as I didn't eat anything and me and my best friend got into a terrible fight because people had been telling her I was talking about her when I wasn't but its got all sorted out now hopefully she text me last night but I didn't get it till this morning but it was basically just her saying she knows I wouldn't talk about and she just got really angry when she heard all the terrible things. So anyway I have decided that after this short period of getting better it's just not for me right now because I just cannot handle all the weight going on so tomorrow I will begin a week long fast :) wish me luck <3

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


Downer
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missfuckedupemo
So today has been a total downer for me because my medication ran out on Monday and I'm not able to get it again until like Monday  coming which is bad because I seriously need it and it has made such an impact by not taking them. All I have done is shout and roar and fight and I have been doing au h things as scratching myself and hitting my head off the wall and stuff and it just don't feel like I. An cope right now with anything at all :(

Baby talk
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missfuckedupemo
So to-day I had plans to take my little boy to go see Santa clause but they fell through because my child minder left him home late which I don't mind because it gives me time to get home and settled before going straight into mammy mode.But at the same time I was a little sad but there is so much more time now to do I guess.

He also has taken to the naughty step when he's bad so he knows now that when he dose something bad that's where he has to go. Which is a little mean but it teaches him that he can't just scream and shout and get away with it, if there is nothing to scream and shout about. So today when I told him off he walked him self to the naughty step and sat there for the whole three minutes, he did cry for the entire time but the point is he knows right from wrong he just has to get the fact that your not meant to do the naughty stuff lol.

He also asked me to watch Harry Potter which is the first time he has done that and he knows mummy LOVES Harry Potter :). But at the same time it also made me smile at the thought that he wanted to make mummy smile while she was sad, And I swear that it just melted my heart and I forgot what was upsetting me so  much. I'm so lucky to have my little boy I mean he is the light of my life and I couldn't picture my life without him now :) He is just so amazing and so advanced for his age I mean he is three years old and he can count to 10 and knows all his colours and also when tidying he knows exactly where everything is and also how to brush teeth and wash his hair.

I just can't wait till I take him on holiday I hope to take him to Holland next summer with my other half and him so we can have a little family holiday. Even know he is not Tyler's actual father by blood he is still more of a father to him his actual one ever will be! Which I'm not going to get into because we would be here all day and I just don't think I could do that and also be in a happy mood.

hope you all are well 

<3

x-mas
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missfuckedupemo
Christmas Is approaching and for the first time in years I am soo looking forward it :) I have my baby boy and my fiancée to celebrate with and I just couldn't be more happy :)..... I just kinda hope that I have dropped a dress size by then :/... Its not really my main point of the holiday but it would make it soo much better for :) to buy clothes now and put them on and them not to fit would be soo great, even know I am meant to be in recovery that would still be a great present for me :) so I'm going to work out a lot more the next three weeks by doing sit-ups and push-ups etc and hopefully see some result in the matter :) Fingers crossed but at the same time I don't think it would matter at the time because I have so much to celebrate already.

I also have caught up completely on all my behind work in college which is good I just have to do a monologue next week and that will be fully up to date with work and I'll be able to relax.But until then it's still full steam ahead :) with rehearsals and so on.

The filming we had to do today also went really well because we kept time and got the footage we needed for the first two scenes :) which also makes me very happy because it takes a little worring off my shoulders. also they want Tyler to play the little boy in one of the scene's which I was so happy about and so was he when I told him about it.

My other half's ex isn't bothering me as much either to so I have been feeling better about that and get on with the others, but someone that I thought was really close to me has took it upon herself and her boyfriend's self to slag the life out of my my boyfriend and it just seems all a little childish and stupid considering one of them is 20 years old and has a child and they way they are going on is just so stupid you would expect behaviour like that off a 14 year old girl and her friends like seriously. 

Sometimes I think maybe I'm a little to grown up and then I realize that everyone else would agree with me in saying this, considering the fact the girl is known by everyone for her big mouth, I mean seriously everything out of it is a lie you can NOT believe a word that is spoken from her and sometimes I wonder why I waste my time being her friend and then I realize it must be to bring up my self image of me, because I know I don't have to lie about my boyfriend dumping me for attention and then when finds out you say this blame it on someone else :L... I don't know how she is planning on getting through the rest of her life because some day someone is going to make her wake up and make a big decision. 

I'm all for acting your age but acting 4 years younger than yourself and doing and saying things that a early teen would do is just stupid and childish.

<3

Been a hard two days ....
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missfuckedupemo
So I haven't been posting because I've been in hospital had to get my stomach pumped because of the amount of Pills I had Ingested.. Yeah I had, Had enough and thought I'd try and kick the bucket :/ not so proud of that but it was just one of them weeks were everything just got to much and I couldn't take no more I'm just so happy that my little boy wasn't here he was with his dad. Not haing a good week.  

Faked
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missfuckedupemo
My basic knowledge of today is that I'm being faked, I guess they say you learn something new everyday :) I would rather have been something productive but I guess you got to take what your given :). I also have made a mile stone in my life by not having the over whelming urge to prove myself to someone which is a huge thing for me :) and I'm happy with that I don't know if anyone else had that problem but I had a serious problem with it and I hope this is a point now that will go on forever. Nothing can bring my mood down today I'm just to happy at the moment and it's the happiest I've been in a long time and I feel great to :) I don't know what has come over me today but it's a good thing so let's hope it last. I also have been on my med's now for three months and I think they have finally started to kick in properly because now I'm more aware of the thing's I say and how I put certain things :) So lie pretty good now ! I have my two boys and the girl's on here for support what more could a girl ask for ? 

<3
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Love....
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missfuckedupemo
I love that I get to come home to such a beautiful baby boy to play with :) He makes me soo happy and gives me a reason to smile even in the most worst of times in which I think there is no reason being here :) But he can change all that by just smiling or laughing or saying something so stupid that I almost cry laughing :L , but anyway day two of SGD seems to have went well bar all the confusion to try and find things low on calories that was in my budget but I managed to do it and tomorrow is day which I'm excited about because I can exercise hopefully :) If I'm feeling better of course. I didn't like what came up on the scale today but so I'm not going to depress myself again and write it online for everyone on the world wide web to see because I just would be to embrassed to show my face again :/. I'm still trying to find out how to work on my tumblr account because I just don't know how  that site works at all :@ which frustrates me so my plan for this weekend find out how to pimp that page out to make it my own :) 

SGD
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missfuckedupemo
So last night wasn't to bad with the pizza I just purged it back up which I'm quite upset about because I wished to not be sick as much :( but anyway I have started the Skinny Girl DIet today and so far I think I've done well considering I have only had one cup of coffee with no milk and a special k bar that's only 88 calories :) dose anyone know how manys in a cappicinio ? I rthinks that's were my down fall with me :). Todays been soooooo good because I woke up in great form and then was not lsate for class as normally I would be and I have been meeting with media students for a flim me and my group are doing about mental illness during the war :) I'm sooo excited today and I couldn't be happy how is everyone else ? Hope you are all well
Stay strong <3 xxx

Down sides to life
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missfuckedupemo
So I've been gone for sometime three months to exact and that may be down to a few reasons reason 1 : my laptop charger broke so been waiting for my dad to get me a new one. Reason 2: I had been ban from the internet without adult supervision due to the fact I had lost three stone in a month and a half, Reason 3 : I've just been so busy with college work that I haven't had time to breathe never mind update all my blogs. But hopefully now that I have gained some weight (much to my dismay) I am now "Healthy" enough to surf the net on my own -.-, But no my main thing is now to be thinner than my current boyfriends ex! It have noticed that its really helpful to have someone who also has eating problems even if they are lying -.- (That part made me angry but if that's how she runs her life then that's up to her) because it gives me someone to have a completion with !!. I have managed to lose 7 pounds in a week that's basiclly 1 pound a day ! just because she has said she's lost 3 and that's she's getting thinner. For some reason (Recent pictures of her) I am lead to believe that in fact she hasn't lost anything at all, In fact she has gained about 2 stone in that last two months. I have also started up zumba to help push the weight back and I am constantly doing my Pussy Cat Dolls DVD too ! so hopefully for Christmas I will be a hell of a lot thinner and one more step towards being perfect. But at the same time it seems the less I eat the more energy I have ! I don't understand which makes me believe that any day soon now I am due a crash and THAT I am not looking forward to at all. I think that maybe I start a new blog over on tumbler to because it means that I will be posting ana pictures everyday and it will motivate me more and now that I have my laptop up and running again I can now put thinspo on my iPod to :D !!!!!!!

Who ever said that every bad thing you do in your life has a down side to it ? because how I'm seeing it right now everything seems really fucking good !

<3

Overweight!!!!!:(
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missfuckedupemo
OMG!!!! im soo overweight i need help im trying everything and nothung seems to be working!!!! can anyone help me please?????

any thing will do please emeregy!!!!!

huggz and kisses
xXx

NEW YEAR <3
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missfuckedupemo
hiya every1 happy new year!!!!! well i always say new year new diet cant wait to get back to the  gym it was closed down all over x-mas :( how sad??? well anyway yip this year im gettin to a size two if its the last thing i do.
well comments pleas edont be scared

huggz and kisses
xxxx


sick!!!
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missfuckedupemo
OMG!!! i just lost six pounds in one week just cause i was sick how exciting??? maybe things will start to get easyier my doctors say im still to thin which is so bull shit because you ccan never be too thin i think. and my denist told my mum that my teeth were perfect so their is no way i could be being sick after meals. which is bull to im just that good i guess my secret but chewed gum on both ur top teeth and botum teeth and the acid hits that nd not ue teeth.

well comments please.

huggz and kisses
xXx


soooo::(
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missfuckedupemo
so anyway im going out for a drink tonite with myfriends so i told my mum i didnt want no dinner cant get drunk on a full tummy :::) i have managed to go most of all day without something to eat. i heard that vodka onb its own like burns fat is this ture??? can someone let me know cause i drink wdk and that has vodka but other stuff in it to so its not good. i really need to lose some weigh i feel so weighed down by everything. i thinkin maybe a heart patients diet that needs to be good or maybe i just will never lose weigh cause im a fat bitch who's goin to dye of obesity. well went of in a rant there haha


xxx


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